


Painful memories

by ylc



Series: Pointless [4]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: AU, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Angst, Companion Piece, M/M, Royalty AU, Some suicidal thoughts, apparent character death, implied past mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-08
Updated: 2016-02-09
Packaged: 2018-05-19 05:32:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5955496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ylc/pseuds/ylc
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's only so much memories can do for you</p><p>This is a companion piece that goes with chapter 6 of <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/5673097/chapters/13629553">"Pointless thoughts"</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1- Sherlock

**Author's Note:**

> I… I don’t know what to say. Since this is a companion piece for chapter 6 and that’s a particularly happy chapter (for the Mystrade, that is), I wanted this to be the opposite. I’m not sure if I succeeded, but what I do know is that I have officially written all my dose of angst for the week.  
> Anyway, enjoy?

Sherlock met John Watson when he was six.

Six was a difficult age for Sherlock, because Mycroft had officially been named Heir of the Crown and so he was perpetually busy with a bunch of new duties that left him with little time to play with his little brother.

Sherlock didn’t understand what the fuss was about, not really. All he knew was that he had lost his one and only friend and that he needed to find a new one.

And so he started his search. But other children were boring and some were cruel and none of them wanted to play with him. For the longest time, Sherlock searched without any luck, till the point when he began to wonder if the other kids were right; if no one would ever be his friend because he was a  _ freak. _

Until that point, Sherlock’s childhood had been pretty lonely. Being a Prince, he didn’t get to socialize much with people his age and all his lessons in manners just didn’t seem to work with the other children. Mycroft was 7 years older, so trying to behave like he did when he was around his brother wasn’t much help either.

He had almost given up hope when he finally came across John.

John’s father was in charge of the stables in the Castle and his mother worked in the kitchens. As commoners families went, they weren’t that bad off, so John and his sister, Harriet, could afford to actually get education as well as time to play around, instead of having to work to help their parents. 

Sherlock approached the boy hesitantly, completely put off by his lack of success so far. He could tell John was sociable, well-liked and kind, so he didn’t think the boy would be outright rude, but, well-

Past experience had showed him not to trust first impressions.

But John had turned out to be perfect. He wasn’t only kind, but he was also patient and curious, some very needed qualities when you were going to hang with Sherlock for long periods of time. He got angry on occasion, of course, but they made up quickly and Sherlock soon decided he couldn’t have wished for a better friend.

Together, no obstacle seemed big enough and Sherlock was convinced that  that would hold true till the end of times.

How wrong he had been.

* * *

 

Sherlock dragged John whenever he went, mindless of what other people (including John’s parents) might think. When he went away for ‘holidays’, he always brought his best friend around, much to John’s delight. And whenever Sherlock decided to go exploring or to do something particularly reckless, he could always count on John being by his side.

He never thought things would change. He always firmly believed it would be forever the two of them against the rest of the world.

But then John had turned 14 and presented as an Alpha and things had… shifted, somewhat. The older boy wasn’t around as much, suddenly more interested in chatting with pretty Omegas. Sherlock had tried to reign his jealousy as well as he could, determined not to let it ruin his friendship with John, but it was easier said than done.

Fortunately, John outgrow that phase on his own. Oh, he still chatted with pretty Omegas and went out with them, but for the most part, whenever Sherlock called, he came right away. For the young Prince, it was enough.

And then Sherlock himself presented and things went promptly to Hell.

Sherlock had always thought himself above such things as impulses and instincts, but it seemed he was wrong. Suddenly he found himself staring at his best friend with a little too much interest; an interest that went beyond friendship. He found himself wanting and lusting and he didn’t know what to do.

For the first time in 7 years, he had went to his brother for help.

Mycroft had stared at him for the longest time, a sad look on his face. After an awkward conversation, Sherlock had left his brother’s chambers convinced he should have never said anything. 

Convinced that if he wanted to stay friends with John, he should never ever let anyone else know of his feelings.

He carefully placed all his feelings and desires in a small figurative box and shoved it in the back of his mind. Whenever he caught himself daydreaming, he promptly forced himself to stop thinking about it.

For a while, it worked. 

But then Mary happened. Mary, who was apparently sweet and generous and understanding. Mary who never threw a fuss over John’s disappearances, over John picking Sherlock over her. Mary who actually seemed willing to  _ share _ .

It didn’t take Sherlock long to see his brother’s involvement in the whole affair. Where, when or why he picked Mary didn’t matter, all that mattered was that Mycroft had found someone that was meant to take Sherlock’s place in John’s life and to do it in such way that John wouldn’t even notice. It was a good plan, if a little cruel of his brother.

But Sherlock had almost gone along with it. He knew John wanted a mate and a family and Sherlock couldn’t give him either. Sherlock was a Prince, he was meant to marry some noble and have children with them and he couldn’t- he couldn’t-

He tried to be selfless. He really did. But when John had told him he was planning on marrying Mary, he couldn’t hold himself back and had told him Mary was one of Mycroft’s spies-in-training.

John had stormed out of Sherlock’s room, leaving the Prince wondering if he hadn’t made things worse and lost his best friend in the process. But John had came back eventually, Mary had left the Capital without a word and Mycroft had fumed silently for the following month.

An acceptable result, in Sherlock’s mind.

Afterwards, John seemed determined not to pursue any other relationships with any other Omegas and Sherlock had been elated. He had known it was unfair of him to expect John to be solely  _ his _ , particularly when he couldn’t offer the same but-

He told himself he would figure out a way. After all, it was obvious he and John belonged together; they would find a way to make it work.

Only that they didn’t.

And so Sherlock has no one but himself to blame for his beloved’s death.

* * *

 

Sherlock realizes he has been crying and tries to wipe the tears away, furious with himself for the display of emotion. Abigail makes a distressed sound in her sleep and the Prince hurries to shush her, running his fingers through her hair.

The baby makes a contented sound then and carries on sleeping, undisturbed.

He sighs, carefully lying down next to his daughter. It’s painful to watch his baby girl, especially since she resembles her other father so much, but she also gives him a sense of purpose. Without her, he’s not sure what he’ll be doing with himself.

His guess is that he would have succeeded in kilingl himself at some point. He had been biding his time, waiting for his brother’s close surveillance to slip and then-

Well, it doesn’t matter anymore. It hasn’t mattered since that day his Heat didn’t come and Sarah Sawyer informed him he was pregnant.

He’s aware that what lies in front of him now is a road full of pain and heartbreak. But he also knows that he’ll push through it, he won’t allow his unfortunate circumstances to get the best of him. He must keep going, not for himself, but for his daughter.

John will have to wait for him. They’ll eventually be reunited, he knows that. It’ll take much longer than he anticipated, but John would agree that their child takes priority. He’ll be waiting.

And then they’ll finally be together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So… thoughts anyone? I did promise we would be seen what John is up to in this piece, so that’s why there’s a second part to it that I’ll be posting very soon. I’m not super happy with it right now, because I feel like something is missing but well… hopefully I’ll get it done soon.  
> Thanks for reading!


	2. Part 2 - John

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had every intention of writing some fluff today. It seems, however, that I’m incapable of doing such thing.  
> Oh well… enjoy?

The problem with the Northern Border is that a good part of it is delimited by the sea, making attacks all too easy and due the cold weather and therefore the excessive fog, it’s also entirely too easy to arrive unnoticed.

An army coming from the North would be troublesome. Luckily, in the last 100 years all the attacks the border has suffered have been by the hands of pirates. Worrisome, of course, but not overly so. After all, pirates might steal riches and provisions, but they were hardly an army with intentions of taking over the Kingdom. Still, every time a Pirate ship attacks, they do it viciously, making the life expectancy of the soldiers stranded there ridiculously low.

John spent a good part of his childhood playing pirates with Sherlock. The young Prince was deeply fascinated by them, even if John never really understood why. Now that he has seen the carnage that being a pirate entitles, he finds himself often wanting to write to Sherlock to share his impressions and hopefully change the Prince’s mind about how a great idea it would be to run away to become a pirate Captain.

But then, to be completely honest, that’s not the only reason he’s dying to write to Sherlock.

However, he knows that that would be a foolish move. First of all, it’s highly unlikely Sherlock will actually get his letter, John has little doubt the letter will be confiscated before it reached the Prince. Secondly, what use would it be to establish correspondence with his friend? It would only make things even more difficult for both of them.

They had never been apart for longer than a week and that was just when Sherlock was too busy with his princely duties. Even then, they managed to send notes to each other, keeping the other informed of their daily activities. Now…

Now it’s been 9 months since he saw his best friend (and love of his life) and he physically aches with longing. 

He tells himself he just needs to survive long enough for Mycroft to become King. He’s certain that when that happens, Sherlock will convince his brother to let John go back to the Capital. It’s not an entirely bright prospect, because John knows that by then Sherlock will be long married and mated, but at least- at least he’ll have his friend back.

He spends most of his free time at the watching tower, observing the sea that reminds him of his friend’s eyes, ever changing color depending on the light. He tries not to let his melancholy and dark thoughts get the best of him, but it’s almost impossible. He’s miserable without Sherlock’s constant company and he finds himself more often than not reminiscing their younger days, when everything seemed possible.

How foolish and naive they both had been.

* * *

 

John never had trouble getting along with people, but that’s different from actually making friends with someone. He was polite and nice and so people tended to like him, but he had trouble trusting people and therefore making real connections. Even at the tender age of 8, he lead a lonely existence, never letting anyone get too close.

And then he met Sherlock.

Sherlock who was brash and loud and blunt and that people seemed to immediately dislike. The other children didn’t want to play with him and most were actually cruel to him, regardless of his status. To this day, John can’t say for sure what pulled him towards the younger boy, but from the first moment they met, John had known that what they could have was something to be treasured.

He had loved Sherlock like children love each other: with complete devotion and no reservations. It hadn’t mattered that they belonged to different social classes, they were  _ friends  _ and that was all that mattered.

When they had gotten older… well, it was impossible not to notice the difference in the lives they lived. But they hadn’t let that pull them apart either, if anything, they had clinged to each other even closer. Both knew that what they had couldn’t be replaced and so letting something as  _ stupid  _ as  _ social standing _ get between them was ridiculous.

Being older, John had presented first and with the first rush of hormones, he hates to admit that he did pull away a little, suddenly more interested in flirting with pretty Omegas. But Sherlock had put up with it admirably: he barely ever complained, even if John could tell he was upset by the rift that had formed between them. Soon enough though John outgrew that phase and things went back to normal.

Or close to normal, because then Sherlock had presented and-

He had known he loved Sherlock. After he basically challenged Princess Irene into a territorial fight over Sherlock, he had realized he was in love with the Prince. The knowledge had frightened him and made him want to run, but ultimately he had stand his ground, figuring it didn’t matter. Above it all, Sherlock was his friend and his unrequited love wasn’t going to ruin that.

Looking back, he realizes Mycroft tried to warn him more than once that his feelings weren’t as unrequited as he thought. Hell, the Crown Prince had basically thrown Mary in his path to keep him away from Sherlock. But in the end, John’s heart belonged to the younger Prince and nothing and no one could make that change.

When he was- well, he can’t say ‘sentenced’ because he’s technically not being punished, even if it certainly feels that way, but when he was sent to the Northern Borders and had therefore realized that his friend felt the same way, he had been both over the moon and anguished. He wouldn’t have minded death, not really, but he had known this would hurt Sherlock too and that- that he couldn’t stomach.

The funny thing is that he had been considering joining the Army before this whole mess started, hoping that few years away from his friend would get his feelings to abate, but that would have been under his conditions and they wouldn’t have been completely pulled apart, but now-

Well, now none of that matters anymore.

* * *

 

John stares at the pretty Omega girl in front of him, batting her eyelashes and smiling coyly at him. She has long black curls and alabaster skin, eyes a lovely shade of green and a smile that promises all sort of pleasures. But her eyes are the wrong sort of green, her smell is a little too sweet and, to put it simply, she’s just not Sherlock.

So he politely declines her offer to dance (a dance that promises not to end on the dance floor) and instead turns his attention back to his half drunk beer and his dark musings.

Every so often soldiers are allowed to leave the camp for a few hours and head into the local pubs. Mixing with the locals gives them a sense of not having completely leave their lives behind and it also helps to prevent violent outbreaks due the fact that too many Alphas being practically locked in together. Most of his companions also take the chance to have some ‘harmless’ fun with some Omega, but John- well, John is not interested in that.

John’s heart belong to a Prince that’s completely out of his reach and yet, he knows he’ll never give his heart or his body to someone else again. Before that night with Sherlock he had been with a few Omegas, but no one had made him feel what Sherlock had. It might be a little cliched and terribly sappy of him, but he does not want to be with someone else that it’s not his beloved.

He knows that the same can’t be said for the Prince. Sherlock will marry sooner or later, because that’s his duty. But that’s the difference, John supposes: John does have a choice and therefore his choice is to remain faithful in heart and body.

Still, he can’t deny his body does crave contact. But he’s stronger than his instinct, he’s more than his biology. Even if the future looks bleak and lonely…

That’s his decision and he won’t be changing it anytime soon.

* * *

 

By the time he had met Mary Morstan he had already realized he was in love with Sherlock and that any other relationship he attempted was doomed to fail, because he could never give himself completely. But Mary- Mary had been so sweet and understanding that John had thought maybe it could work. She seemed to understand that she could never own his whole heart, but was willing to settle for what she could have.

He should have seen how wrong and unfair that was. He should have noticed there was something off with that.

But he had been… well, he was young and naive and  _ selfish  _ and so he had figured-

It doesn’t matter anymore, of course. The moment Sherlock told him about Mary’s  _ other profession _ he had realized he had to stop fooling himself into believing he would ever have a meaningful relationship with anyone other than Sherlock. He had resigned himself to a lonely life, with no mate and no children and although the idea didn’t sit completely well with him, he realized it was the right (the only) thing to do.

He never imagined things would come to this, though. How could he, when he was so convinced Sherlock would never return his interest? It just seemed so farfetched: Sherlock, who was brilliant and so much bigger than life… why would he be interested in John who was just so- normal?

Life can take such unexpected turns, really.

He doesn’t regret anything that has lead him here, in all honesty. He does miss Sherlock and he wishes he could see his friend once more, but-

He promised Sherlock he’d come back to him. He intends to keep that promise, no matter if he has to do it as a spirit. One way or another, he’ll find his way back to his beloved Prince.

And then they’ll be together forever more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah… I don’t know. It feels odd, doesn’t it?   
> Let me know what you thought, thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Remember you can also find me in [tumblr](http://ylc1.tumblr.com/)


End file.
